I’ve been having a lot of thoughts recently about being ‘successful’ and although i’ve spoken to people about them, I now think I need to do what’s best for me, write it all down! I apologise in advance for how ‘wordy’ this will be, but I hope some of you who relate, can seek comfort in knowing you’re not the only one having thoughts like this.
So recently my mum and I have been going on walks every evening (all photos in this post are from those walks in case you were wondering what they had to do with this post haha), and it’s lovely because it gives us time to catch up and chat about all sorts of things, plus nature helps me to think in general! One thought I was telling her, is my fear of the future and wanting to know exactly what’s going to happen, out of worry of failure and sadness. You see, i’ve always had this issue with trying really hard, but giving up because I focus on my idea of the ‘perfect result’. And usually it’s always about numbers, the number of followers, likes, the number on a scale and on the back of my jeans… And it’s not healthy, all it does is cause me to beat myself up about not being ‘successful’ enough. Which I don’t think i’m alone in feeling this, it’s quite a prominent issue these days! But no matter how many times I try to remind myself that success won’t come without determination, hard work, and a positive mindset, I just can’t help but creep back in to bad habits!
However, as well as being worried of fear of trying and failing, i’ve recently been worrying about becoming ‘too successful’… Which is so stupid, I know! But you see, I want to be a journalist and i’m currently getting a degree in that field, and my dream is to be my own business one day, my own brand. However that scares me, because what happens if I put myself out there, work hard, get what I want, and then it doesn’t end up being what I had planned?
But all i’m doing here is just placing more of my own barriers in front of me, because i’m telling myself i’ll either work hard and give up because i’m not becoming ‘successful’ enough in my set time frame… Or i’m worried i’ll stay positive and keep working hard and then it won’t actually be what I wanted! Its self sabotage really… And these thoughts have been going round and round in my head for far too long. I’m really trying to silence them, because I do truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a path we are all destined to go down in life, for one reason or another. So i’m trying to be relaxed and calm about it and just carry on working hard, stay determined and go down this path but I keep halting my journey… I keep stopping when I become scared or stressed or let these thoughts takeover.
And the real shame is that all of my family, friends and my boyfriend believe in me so much. They all see something in me that I unfortunately can’t always see in myself, and it sucks that I don’t have that same belief and love for myself that they carry for me. I am honestly getting a lot better at self-love and belief, but it’s also difficult… because everything is based on numbers these days, and I think it has such an effect on us all, because everything becomes a competition due to it!
However on a more positive note, in saying all of this, I am really enjoying what i’m doing. I’ve finally reached a point where I don’t care what people think of me anymore, and that has already removed one of my barriers. And because of this I have noticed improvements in the way I feel about myself, but it all takes work. However i’m going to vow to stay positive, patient, and carry on working hard even when I feel defeated! Because everything that is meant to happen and come to you, will.
I know this was quite a long and personal post but I hope you still enjoyed reading it! And I would LOVE to know your thoughts on this topic and whether any of you have ever had similar thoughts and opinions like me. Let’s chat about it:)